I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
