I think I died a long time ago.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
