If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
