Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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