we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
