I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
