she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
