my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
