dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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