You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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