I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
