I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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