A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
True strength comes from lack of pants
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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