I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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