you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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