I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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