Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
