Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
