Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
