i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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