I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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