Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
