he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
