i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
40s are totally the cure
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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