I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
