youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
