sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
ugly people sure do ruin things
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
