Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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