someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm jealous of your bromance
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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