....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
