i barfeds in our rink
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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