Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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