hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
