so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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