So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
