Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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