think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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