It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
