my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
