Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
