he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
