I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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