Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
