Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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