allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
