I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
