i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
