why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
