just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
