i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
