If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
