True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
