My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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