Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
