I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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