I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
